Canoeing Humor

The Murphy’s Law adaptations (and corollaries) below were submitted by various site users. Thanks for your participation in this.

• The moose always shows up right after you put the camera back in the Pelican Case.
• Whenever a comment is made about how great it is to be out in the wilderness and not see ANYBODY, 14 blue canoes full of shouting high school students will paddle around the corner.
• The confidence in your bombproof tent is the highest just before you discover you have left the tent poles at home
• The longest portages will always be at the beginning of the trip, when the food pack is heaviest.
• If you finish one leg of a portage and you need a drink, your water bottle will always be at the far end of the portage.
• Smoke will be blown directly in the face of one specific person per night, regardless of where they sit or how often they move
• The first scratch on the new canoe is always a big one.
• The more often someone says "I think it’s clearing up", the less the chance that it will.
• The need for bug repellent is inversely proportional to the amount you have left.Corollary: if you have lost your bug repellent, there is a 100 percent certainty of meeting the largest, most numerous swarm of nasties.
• The direction of prevailing winds always shifts to blow in the opposite direction you’re paddling. (Corollary … the probability of being affected this way rises exponentially with the square footage of your downwind sailing rig!
• The number of times you have to get up in the middle of the night to go pee is directly proportional to the intensity of the rain outside
• You will always flip in the easiest set of rapids.
• The only time a waterproof GPS will fall into the lake is while you have the back off changing the batteries. (Corollary … the probability of the GPS landing in the lake is directly proportional to the cost of that GPS)
• The trip that you decide to bring soup is also the trip you forget the spoon.
• The only time it rains is when you have (a) forgotten your rain gear, (b) have it, but it is at the very bottom of the pack, (c) worn it the day before as wind gear, and torn a big hole in it.
• If you forget something while loading up at the end of a portage, you will not notice the loss until you are at least three hours down the lake.
• The length of the next portage is directly proportional to the weight of your heaviest pack
• The sharpest object in your pack will find the softest part of your back.
• In direct contravention of the law of conservation of mass, no matter how light a canoe is, it always weighs over 100lbs at the end of a portage.
• The least capable person in the group will criticize the most.
• If you lecture a group member about the ill affects of smoking, he/she will likely be the only person who remembered to bring matches.
• If you carry a full set of heavy-duty rainwear, it will never rain. Corollary: leaving the suit at home guarantees four days of steady rain
• No matter which side of the fire pit you sit on, the smoke always blows in your eyes. Corollary: if you move to escape the smoke, it will find you.
• Rainy weather always waits for the day of the deepest, muckiest, loonshit portage.